Being Bella Swan
by team-amyfizzle
Summary: This is the story of my life. It is extremely embarrassing and utterly ridiculous. I just don't understand how so many things can go wrong in one person's life, but it can. Follow me on my journey. Minimal drama, maximum laughs and tonnes of sexual tension!
1. Chapter One

_-Chapter One-_

* * *

_Name: Isabella Marie Swan_

_Preferred name: Bella_

_Age: 22_

_Occupation: full time badass_

I briefly considered the hilarity of writing that down but afraid I would look like some overgrown child with mommy issues, I scribble it out and wrote the truth.

_Recent collage graduate but now working full time in retail_

Yeah, like working at 'Purrs and Furrs and Gile-ty Fishes' was enticing.

_Sex:_

Yes please.

_Female_

_What I look for in a Man/Woman:_

I circled 'woman' so there are no confusions. I don't want another repeat of Christmas two years ago when Nan-Nan Swan thought I was bit too fond of diving. If you know what I mean.

_Someone funny, adventurous, ambitious_

Can I say hot?

_If both parties match at the end of the night, permission is granted for our company to supply individuals contact details_

_Sign:_

_Phone:_

I scrawl out my signature and number in the same chicken scratch as above before handing it to the bitchy blonde popping her strawberry gum at the reception desk. She looked at the card and then looked me up and done.

"It must really be hard for someone like you to meet new people. I'm sure a lot of people are into role play too."

What? I looked at her in confusion before the light in my head went off.

I forgot I was wearing my goddamn cat costume with the goddamn ears and matching tail.

Welcome to my wonderful fucking life.

* * *

**Twilight: Soz, not mine**

**I decided to write a new story. This one is going to be funny! I hope.**


	2. Chapter Two

_-__Chapter Two-_

* * *

"I can't believe you're actually doing that speed dating thing."

Alice and I were lounging in one of the red leather booths at Pat's Pizzeria in downtown Seattle. It has been tradition for the past 4 years that all three of us, including Rosalie, order a large pizza on Friday nights. Our version of a family dinner since we no longer lived in Forks with our parents. Except lately, Rose has been so caught up in the 'wedding of the century' that she's skipped out on our Friday dates for the last several weeks. So it just left the two musketeers to share her portion of the pizza and as a result gain a few extra pounds.

Currently, Alice is jibbing me about my desperate measures to find a man.

"You know only creeps with like foot fetishes participate in speed dating?"

"First of all Al, it's not speed dating. It's a professional mixer. And second, no one actually has a foot fetish," I reply while taking a long drink from my can of orange soda.

"Not true, Quentin Tarantino definitely has one!"

I quirk an eye brow at her. Trust Alice to sprout off these disturbing facts.

"Bella! Alice! Pizza!" Pat yells while dusting the flour off his hands onto his apron.

We shuffle through the throng of students waiting to get their carb load before a boozy night out.

"That will be $11.90 girls."

Alice pays. She always pays. Working at a pet stores earns just enough to make rent and to afford the necessities in life. Alice being the best friend she is, even decreased my rent in our joint apartment and shouted pizza each week in an attempt to keep up some normality in our lives now that Rose has gone MIA.

Alice can afford it though. Her job as a personal stylist to the stars lets her live the high life. She frequently rubs elbows with Bradley Cooper, Selena Gomez and Jennifer Lawrence.

Actually I wouldn't mind diving with J Law.

I guess that's what a natural talent for matching your accessories to your dress gets you. That and having your father be perhaps one of best Plastic Surgeons in America does help you score a pretty sweet pay check and a gate way into Hollywood. Alice never went to University but spent her first four years after high school commuting to Las Angeles and making a name for herself.

In retro spec she could move out but she would never put me out on the street.

Told ya she was the best friend a girl could have.

You could argue that I'm holding her back with my selfish and poorly ways but she often reassures me that's she's not ready to move in with her boyfriend of 1 year, 3 months, lawyer Jasper Whitlock. With his rugged looks and Southern charm it was plain to see why she fell madly in love with him. Not to mention their personalities are like pineapple and ham; odd in theory but perfect together. They'll get married for sure.

* * *

**Twilight ain't mine yo!**

**In case you haven't picked up yet, this story is a drabble fic. Its the only way I can keep motivation to write a chapter.**


	3. Chapter Three

_-Chapter Three-_

* * *

Pat smiles warmly as he hands over the pizza box. He still to this day cuts the pizza into 3 even parts, a feat that almost seems impossible. We don't have the heart to tell him Rose no longer eats the goey baked bread.

Ducking out of the warm pizzeria into the bitter Autumn chill, we make our way over to Alice's canary yellow Porsche parked across the road and quickly clamber in. Winter is on its way early this year. Its only the beginning of September and we're already experiencing temperatures under 50 degrees.

Out of the howling wind, Alice continues her conversation from before.

"So as I was saying, if you really want to get laid I could totally buy you a prostitute."

"Whaa? I prosta- never mind. Alice I'm not looking for someone to sleep with! Right now I'm just looking for a friend."

Turning her head and raising her eyebrows, she gave me that 'bitch please' look.

"Oh like I believe that! When was the last time you got boned?"

I remember clearly. It was with James Hunter.

I mean its actually not that hard to go down on a girl. You kind of just lick and suck. Ok so in theory that's not all you do but you get the gist. I thought it was natural instinct.

But apparently it wasn't for James.

He employed some technique that honestly felt like a dishwasher and made me wet. And I don't mean in the good way.

"James..."

"Exactly with James!" Alice said pulling up to our apartment, "Look I'm just tryna help a brother out."

I roll my eyes and exit the car.

That's the last time I let her watch White Chicks.

* * *

**So I have some real good ideas for this story and with your support I hope I can put these thoughts into action :)**

**So review up!**


	4. Chapter Four

_-Chapter Four-_

* * *

By the time we walk into our apartment, Alice's fat grey tabby is scratching up a storm in protest of being left alone.

Our apartment is both vintage and modern; clean white walls and furnishings with antique pieces scattered throughout the flat. It's a cosy two bedroom place in Bellevue's Metropolitan area. The best part of the apartment is the spacious living room that opens up to the spectacular view of Lake Washington; an Arctic Wonderland straight out of Frozen in winter. As I said before, I wouldn't have been able to afford lease if it weren't for Alice's insistence to live with me by lowering my half rent.

I place the pizza on the living room table while Alice cracks open 2 ice cold Heinekens. When she returns she hands me a beer and frowns.

"No Mr Tibbles, that's my seat silly," she hurls the cat off her couch which I secretly give her credit for because that cat is huge. And I don't mean a couple of extra pounds overweight, I'm talking about Fat Amy eating Oprah fat. But that still doesn't stop her from pulling off a piece of pepperoni and feeding Mr Tibbles.

I grab myself a slice of Pat's Pizza and take a bite letting out a full on porn star moan. This is the stuff that I'm sure is served in Heaven; slightly crispy base, loads of cheese, sauce and pepperoni cooked to perfection. Pat makes a mean pizza.

"Well if you're still going through with the legion for desperate hook ups, will you at least let me doll you up?"

I take another bite while I consider her proposal. Our idea of 'dolled up' are two very different things. While my mantra is 'simple, yet classy', hers is something like 'if Alexander McQueen and Dolly Parton had a baby, one must look like that. Oh, and it should reflect a small amount of it's godfather, Prince.'

Now you can see why I'm scared.

"I don't know Al..." I trailed off.

"Please Bella, it's all I ask," and BAM, she's giving me the puppy dog eyes.

"Fine," I reluctantly agree.

She lets out a shrill scream and I'm sure somewhere in the distance I can hear dogs howl.

"Oh my god yay! I promise you won't regret this! I'll make you look smokin' for all the boys, won't I Mr Tibbles? Yes I will," she coos as she rubs her cat affectionately and just like that I'm forgotten to an overgrown feline.

* * *

**Ok guys, I confess. I own Twilight...NAHT! Hehe**

**Talking about that pizza is making me hungry :( and New Zealand pizza's aren't that good either! #firstworldproblems**


	5. Chapter Five

_-Chapter Five-_

* * *

The weekend passed in a blur of slobbing out on the couch and watching re-runs of How I Met Your Mother. There was something about Barney Stinson and his man-whore ways that always get me a little hot in the face. But by Tuesday I was ready to rejoin the land of social interaction with other human beings and not fictional characters like my home boys Ben and Jerry.

My 'weekends' have always been a little odd since I took up a full time job at 'Purrs, Furrs and Gile-ty Fishes. Rather than the typical Monday to Friday shift, I was allocated Tuesday to Saturday which evidently served me well considering my social life was basically non existent these days. Who really needs to get trashed on a Friday night when you have all new episodes of Masterchef?

I certainly don't.

But anyway where was I? Oh yeah, I was excited to get to work on Tuesday morning. Many people grumble at the thought of retail but when you work in a pet store, its not so much of a job but rather an animal play-topia. Besides the yuck things like cleaning up after the animal's poop, I literally spend my day playing with the wittle puppies and wittle kittens.

But what I wasn't excited for was the 2 mile long traffic jam slowly inching its way a long Seattle's highway.

Apparently the police thought it was a great idea to breath test at 8:30 on a Tuesday Morning. I mean seriously who needs a drink that badly before 9am?

Well to be fair, I could totally go for a double right now.

"And still be cleared as sober by the time I reach the police," I grumble.

This traffic is taking_ forever!_

I send off a quick text to work to let them know I'll most likely be late. Normally I could leave my home 15 minutes before and still get there with minutes to spare, so you could only guessed how ticked off I was right now.

While waiting for the traffic to clear, I did the only thing I could do and that was to jump on Facebook and scroll through my news feed over and over again._  
_  
I was in the middle of watching a vine of a ghetto voice over on a Teletubbies clip, when it happened.

Everyone has that one song that makes them drop whatever they're doing and go crazy. I'm talking about hair banging, body jerking, screaming at the top of your lungs crazy. Yeah well my song is that new Pharrell one; 'Happy'.

It's just so darn catchy.

"It might seem crazy what I'm about to say,  
Sunshine she's here, you can take a break."

Humming along to the lyrics and lightly tapping my finger on the steering wheel, I crawl closer to the cops.

_No stop this Bella, you're in public, _I shake the thought from my head and grip the wheel tighter, concentrating on maintaining a precise 4 meter gap between my car and the one in front.

"Because I'm happy,  
Clap along if you feel like a room without a roof."

Oh dear god, not the chorus.

The happiness bubbled up from my chest and over flowed through my lips in a shout. I just couldn't help it, I was like a woman possessed. My brain was no longer in charge of my body and I blame Pharrell Williams for it.

"Bring me down,  
can't nothing bring me down,  
your love is too high," I scream flipping my hair, my voice sounding like a prepubescent boy who's balls are about to drop.

I was do some sort of move that resembled the Exorcism of Emily Rose meets Mick Jagger. Spit flying, hair jerking, I was in my own world and if I were standing up, I probably would be imitating Miley's twerking.

"COME ON!" I screech, fist pumping and smacking my hand into the roof, a smile of complete joy gracing my face when I registered someone knocking on a window. I don't remember this being a part of the song?

Like a bucket of cold water dumped on my head, I remembered where I was. Waiting in Seattle's 9'o clock traffic.

Peering out through the windshield, I notice that the traffic had dispersed quite a bit during my moment. There is gaping space between myself and the nearest car while the drivers behind are blaring their horns at my reluctance to move forward.

"Uh excuse me Miss, could you please say your name and address into my breathalyzer?" a muffled voice came from my left.

Turning my head slowly, I lock eye contact with the awkward looking cop waving his breathalyzer outside my window. He tries to hold in his laugh by clearing his throat but fails miserably, to which my face reacts by blossoming into a harsh red blush.

How _long _has he been standing there?!

* * *

**I don't own Twilight, blah blah blah**

**Now onto the #realtalk, how good was the Grammys? Highlights for me were definitely Macklemore & Ryan Lewis's Same Love wedding, Kendrick Lamar and Imagine Dragons and Lorde. What a proud moment for New Zealand it was :')**

**Don't forget to review!**


	6. Chapter Six

_-Chapter Six-_

* * *

After the mortifying breath testing incident, I finally arrive at work 20 minutes late.

My hair's tousled from the head banging sesh and my cheeks a bright raspberry red that would no doubt take a while to disappear. To anyone else I probably look like I just had a good and hard bang.

As soon as I step through the door, a husky voice echos my dirty thoughts.

"Who have you been fucking Swan?"

I roll my eyes as I pass him. He's over-feeding the axilottles yet again. Lucky for him there are no customers in the store to hear his vulgar language.

"Whatever would give you that idea?"

"Cheeks flushed, that just rolled out of bed sex hair. Yeah you've definitely had some Tuesday mornin' lovin'. All the girls I sleep with leave my house looking the same way. All satisfied and shit."

"I don't think that's the look of satisfaction. It's probably anger after finding out they have 5 minutes to leave your bed," I quip grabbing the fish food and walking over to him.

"Well maybe you should test the theory out and take a ride on the Titan."

"Ew Ed!" I screamed throwing some fish flakes at him, "I don't want to catch herpes from you! And from what I can remember, you weren't even that great."

"Baby you know I don't have herpes. You can even look for yourself," he winked in my direction.

That's Edward, coincindetly Alice's older brother. But unlike Alice's anal organised life and somewhat proper etiquette, Edwards is the complete opposite. Following in the footsteps of his father, he attended Med school in New York for all but two years before realising he actually didn't want to become a surgeon. He dropped out and moved to Seattle to be closer to his family and took up a job at Purrs Furrs and Gile-ty Fishes. It's not like he technically needed a job, I'm sure his dad could pay for his lavish lifestyle of sleeping with whores and playing in his loser band.

When I finished uni with no job prospects in sight, he offered me a job at the pet store. Of course I didn't know he was recently promoted to second in charge.

That means I officially work under Edward 'The Guiter Slayer' Cullen.

The same Edward who's trying to make two turtles hump eachother while singing "Let's get it on".

* * *

**I don't own Twilight...do I have to keep saying this? We all know I do...not**

**But seriously, that's the last time I'm saying I don't own it haha**

**This is one of my fave chapters because you get to meet bad boy Edward! It's still up in the air with who I want Bella to end up with sooo be prepared ;)**

**Review review review!**


	7. Chapter Seven

_-Chapter Seven-_

* * *

"Hey F.C., I was thinking about going for a more subtle animal look. Like maybe just the ears, no tail," I complain as I whip my costume tail and smack Ed's arse.

"Don't tease me Arey. And you know it's part of the job requirement."

"No where in the contract does it say it's mandatory to dress up as a cat. This is just one of your retarded hairbrained schemes."

"Do you know how many men love a good pussy?" He replies cheekily waggling his eyebrows while I just roll my eyes.

I met Edward and Alice Cullen in my first year of high school. Their family had just moved from New York City to my tiny but prosperous settlement of Forks. You see Forks isn't your average run of the mill timber-town, though it is surrounded by miles and miles of forestry. No, its where the rich go to live. I would probably describe it as a city sized country club where every one wears those ugly sweaters tied around their necks and pristine white tennis shoes. A town where women sip their mimosas and gossip about their neighbour sleeping with the pool boy while their children are raised by nannies. I'm talking about freakin' white picket fences and ugly Mercedes Benz mom cars!

So you see exactly why we left Forks.

But anyway back to my story, I met Edward and Alice in my first year of high school. Back then they were the weird new kids coming into our exclusive inner circle. My parents forced Rose and I to hang with them during one of my mothers famous mixers and we became fast friends after Alice called out that teen slut Irina Sveltsky on padding her training bra with toilet paper. Lets just say, we all bonded over our mutual hatred for human life.

To be honest, I had a massive crush on Edward for a while; he was just so funny and nice to me. But that was until I found out the same Irina with the toilet paper boobs gave him a handjob during a screening of Pirates of the Caribbean. I was so put off with the thought of skanky Sveltsky jerking him off that my crush fizzled out.

And that's when my obsession with sex started.

In my spare time I would secretly read about sex and how it supposedly felt like Christmas, Hanukkah and your birthday all rolled into one when you 'came'. So I did the only thing a curious 15 year old would do, I asked my only guy friend, Edward to take my virginity.

Of course he laughed and said I probably won't even experience the festive season my first time, but being the horny fuck he is, went along with it anyway.

It was awkward to say the least and I certainly didn't feel sparks fly when we were done.

And to make matters worse, I began to re-develop my little crush on him.

A week later I was seriously contemplating telling Edward how I felt when Maggie Hamilton cornered me in the bathroom to tell me she might be taking things to the next level with my best friend at Marcus Fischer's 15th birthday. Count them, 7 days after we had both lost our virginities, he was already to move on with this whore.

I don't know whether it was more from my hate for Maggie or the fact I was rubbed raw and scorned but I told her that Edward's drapes matched the carpet, which in actual fact it didn't. This spawned the nickname Fire Crotch or F.C. for short.

Of course he didn't get laid that weekend and when he found out I was the cause for this he was livid. As pay back, he told his baseball team that I had bologna sized areolas, hence the name Arey.

Luckily two weeks later the same Maggie gave Edward a blow job and dispelled the rumours of his ginger ninja and a month later at our school's annual swim carnival, I made an accidental nip slip and half the school saw I have normal sized areolas.

It took us 2 months to become friends again but a further 6 months to be able to joke around with our nicknames and thankfully by then my feelings for my hunky best friend had gone with the wind like an STD scare.

I'm actually glad nothing happened because as much as I love him, he's way too much of a manwhore to commit. He is smoother than Harvey Specter and hotter than Beckham but he's never had a steady girl friend. Unfortunately or fortunately, depends on the way you see it, the only girls who can put up with Edward are Alice, Rose and I and so we're the unlucky recipients of his sex-scapades. Like just last week he supposedly had a threesome with two English tourists who came in looking for the nearest pub but ended up porking him in the McDonald's down the street.

"So Arey, Alice tells me you're going to some speed dating thing? Good on you! I mean, I know you love me but baby, its time to move on. Maybe you'll even find someone and throw away your E-brator," Edward calls from over by the rabbit pen.

I throw my cat ears at him and scream, "For the last time, I don't love you and I don't have a vibrator called Edward!"

Still holding a poor innocent fawn bunny, he tilts back his head and moans out, "Ohh Ed, you're so big! Take me!"

He keeps going for a while, moaning like he's in pleasure but completely fails to notice the rabbit is leaving little bunny presents in his hands.

Check and mate fucker.

* * *

**My laptop broke so I had to write this on my iPhone :( #lykifyewcrievrytym**

**Also huge thanks to my loves BMSCullen and Faith Bow for their reviews! xxxx**


	8. Chapter Eight

_-Chapter Eight-_

* * *

_5:58pm_

"Crap Rose is going to kill me," I whimper pulling into a parking space outside Stalin late Friday afternoon.

I was under direct orders to meet my best friend Rosalie Hale, soon to be Mrs. McCarty, at her fiance's club no later than 5:30 to taste test wedding cakes. Normally we would actually go to the bakery to try the cakes but I couldn't get out of work during the week, nor could Alice, so she begrudgingly agreed to pre order the baked goods to try after work.

Unfortunately Zafrina Correria who usually closed the pet store on Friday afternoons, called in sick complaining of a 'stomach bug'. Pssh more like too hung-over to come-over. And Edward being the little shit he is flat, out refused to close. It didn't help either that just as I was about to shut the doors, an elderly man that literally resembled Gandalf the White came in to buy fish food. That's fine and all except he made me help him for 15 minutes before realising he didn't actually own fish.

Dementia must really suck!

Throwing my cat ears onto the passenger seat and spritzing myself over with Dot, I make my way into Stalin, apprehensive to face the wrath of Rosalie Hale.

Her fiance Emmett is a big goof, almost like a brother I never had. He's burly with thick tree branch arms and menacing like a bear, but when he smiles and shows those baby dimples, you can't help but adore the fucker.

And what's more, he's perfect for Rose; he seems to be a walking joke, never taking life too seriously while she on the other hand displays a bitter temper and seriously has a wrench stuck up her arse. And recently it's slowly been turning side ways.

The two met in her first year of collage when Em came up from Texas to go to school with his cousins, AKA the Cullen's. It was almost like the gods conspired and as fate would have it, they fell madly in love. Well that was after she punched him in the nose and broke it six ways till Sunday.

Ah young love.

"So I'm thinking about adding Quesadillas to the menu, but I'm not too sure if its a drunken nightmare waiting to happen," Emmett contemplated with his bar and restaurant staff. He caught my eye as I scurried through the door and called out a greeting.

"Belly Marie! Mayith I acquire the possession of thou's box set of Friends upon thou's demise?" He inquired using a shocking British accent in some equally awful Old English.

"My...what? What are you on about?" I fretted scanning the vacant bar. The club usually didn't start filling up until 9pm and on a party night like tonight the lines usually stretched right around the block.

"Your Friends box set?" He replied cheekily. I slowly nodded my head in partial understanding to his unexpected question. "Yeah you won't be needing that when Rose is done with you."

I spotted my two best friends in the corner VIP booth and fearfully made my way over. Rose's back was to me, her long butterscotch hair flowing down her back.

"Is she that mad?" I choked out on my way past Emmett and his amused staff.

"Oh do you remember when Ed accidentally spilled a drink on her at our engagement party and she nearly crippled him by crushing his balls? Yeah she's way more pissed than that."

Letting out a terrified squeak, I instantly knew what the female equivalent for the balls would be and let me tell you, Rose was infamous for punching people in the tit when she's mad. I briefly contemplated walking back out the way I came before she could wound me, when Alice catches my gaze and waves obnoxiously in my direction. Like a domino effect, it attracts the attention of Rosalie and she turns to see who she's greeting.

Rose turns her head in a move that eerily reflects Regan from The Exorcist, her head bending at an unnatural angle. Her eyes are pitch black and souless and when she opens her mouth, a serpent tongue slithers through her parted lips. The background morphs into scorching flames and small demon creatures dance around her feet while Requiem for a Dream pierces my ears.

The succubus screams in a voice that resemble thousands of fingers grating down a chalkboard, "ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!"

I swear I nearly peed myself with fright.

* * *

**Happy early Valentines to all my readers! I hope you all get spoilt rotten. As for my love life, I shall quote Nicole Byer from Girl Code**

**_"__The more I talk, the more I'm like, I understand why I'm alone."_**

**Oh and a little trivia for you: One of my favourite clubs in Auckland is called Lenin and so I chose Stalin to throw in a sneaky reference**


	9. Chapter Nine

_-Chapter Nine-_

* * *

Ok maybe that part was a slight exaggeration. So I make things up, sue me!

But what I was met with was one very pissed Rosalie Lilian Hale.

Her eye twitches once with pure unadulterated anger and I suddenly feel the need to protect Titiana and Titia by cupping them tightly. Yeah and I named my Tits, there's nothing wrong with that either.

"ISABELLA MARIE SIT YOUR SCRAWNY ARSE RIGHT DOWN!," she bellows once again and I quicken my pace over to her.

From across the room Em sings out, "Oooh you just got middle named!"

"Shut up Emmett Stephen!" Rose reprimands him.

I would've found this situation incredibly funny if I wasn't too terrified to make a sound.

"Sit." She commands pointing at the free chair between Alice and herself.

I briefly wonder why Alice, who's usually the peace keeper of the group, wasn't attempting to subdue Rose, but one glance at her glazed-over eyes and content expression indicates that she's already pretty hammered.

The pen in Rosalie's delicate hand clenches so tightly that it looks like it's about to snap in half.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't kick you off my bridal squad?" she asks in an eerily calm voice.

I don't answer at first, too afraid to talk, but after a beat of silence I manage to squeak out an answer.

"But...but you can't. I'm your best friend!"

"I have half a mind to ban you from my wedding."

"No," I gasp.

She continues ignoring my plea, "But I won't because I've already paid for your dress, but don't think for a minute I'm letting you off lightly," she waggles her perfectly manicured finger in my face. "In fact I've come up with a penalty system for my bridesmaids because I already know you hoes will do something to piss me off before the wedding."

So she'll chain me to a chair and shovel every piece of cake she brought down my throat? That doesn't sound like much of a punishment, I love cake. Or will she make me go flower shopping with her? It would probably be slightly torturous but nothing that I couldn't handle. Bring it on Bridezilla!

That was until three little letters flew out off her mouth that made me rethink our whole friendship.

"Lemon Detox Diet."

The Lemon Detox Diet is a cleanse that's taking Hollywood by storm with such celebrities like Britney Spears, Megan Fox and Beyoncé raving about the benefits of the drink. It consists of a diet purely based on lemonade, cayenne pepper and maple syrup. After 10 days it supposedly makes you lose 3-6kgs.

While this may sound like a sure fire and delicious way to drop pounds, it has some nasty side effects. In high school, this girl in my year. Gianna Marcello. decided to go on the detox. She would constantly update her Facebook statuses about how great she felt and how much weight she was losing. Still sporting my baby fat that made me look chubby, I was secretly jealous of her for doing it, imagining her with a svelte bikini body that would make all the pubescent guys in my grade go crazy.

But I soon took comfort in the fact that the diet left her tired, cranky and hungry. while physically she looked like she hadn't lost a drop of fat.

Oh and the fact that she started to smell like lemons. And I'm not talking about 'delicious summer lemonade' lemon, I mean 'damn gurl, you smell like a rotten citrus tree' lemon.

"Rose, I'll do anything! I'll lick the envelopes on all your thank you cards instead and I'll be your slave for a day. No a week! Just anything but the Lemon Detox Diet!," I cry out.

She shakes her head, her blonde locks swaying prettily and replies, "Sorry Swan I've already decided. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time."

Alice finally decides to find her voice by muttering out, "Lemons," and giggling to herself.

Thanks for the help you drunk slore!

Rosalie raises her hand, snaps her fingers in the air and then calls out as if summoning a dog, "Ricardo!"

A boy around my age quickly runs over, his cheeks slightly flushed as he tries to catch is breath. He has short, slick black hair and a light tan. Normally I would go gaga over his exotic looks but I was too distracted by why he was actually here.

"I want another olive martini and get Bella a piña colada. Triple shot. Oh and bring out the first lot cakes. Chop chop!" Once again she clicked her fingers shooing him away.

"Uh Rose, who and what is Ricardo?"

"Oh he's the bitch boy Emmett assigned to wait on us while we're here," she replies nonchalantly while chewing on her olive.

"Is this even legal?"

She waves her hand at me and studies her to-do list, "of course it is. Em said he didn't want to trouble his staff so I made him make the new dish boy our waiter. He said it was cruel but whatever."

Great! Even Rose's soon-to-be-husband is afraid of her.

Ricardo hurries back carrying a tray with the drinks and cake. He sets the martini in front of Rose and then the cocktail next to me. Finally he places the baked goods in the center of the table.

"Um Ricardo what is this?" Rose demands pointing at the selection of cakes, her bitch brow in full effect.

He nervously wipes a trickle of sweat from his temple and stutters out a reply, "Its the cakes you wanted mam."

"No! I didn't ask for the red velvet, banana pecan and white chocolate. That is group three. Three! I asked for one!"

Blessedly Alice finally pipes in, seeming to have snapped out of her drunken haze, "It's just cake, Ro. It doesn't matter which order we eat it."

"Doesn't matter," she mutters and then repeats it louder, "Doesn't matter." Her anger is like a volcano, bubbling beneath the surface waiting to explode. I feel sorry for both the boy and Ali.

She finally erupts, her fury spewing forth in a trembling earthquake,"It goes against the list Alice! The list that I had spent weeks meticulously going over while you bitches slept and socialized and did whatever the fuck you do! So don't you dare say it 'doesn't matter'."

Alice sits back stunned with the burn of her insult, but Rose is far from done. She turns on poor Ricardo quivering in his cheap black canvas.

"And as for you, you little Mexican Troll, I suggest you take this cake and shove it so far up your arse you taste the fucking cream cheese icing. You hear me quesadilla?"

It was like watching the scene in slow motion; Rose picks up the generous slice of red velvet cake, the one that had my mouth watering in anticipation, and flung it straight into the boy's terrified face. She then sits back with a wicked smile while Ricardo breaks down, and fruitlessly wipes the frosting from his teary eyes. A broken sob escapes his lips while a loud guffaw leaves hers.

Oh dear god, what has Rose become?!

* * *

**Eeek I'm so excited because I'm off to Dunners for O-Week tomor! (Translation: I'm going to Dunedin which is on the other side of the country for Orientation Week tomorrow. It's basically an excuse to get absolutely trashed before Uni starts)**

**I thought I had better get this chappy out before I leave, so please excuse me for any mistakes.**

**Oh and has anyone watched The Vampire Academy yet? Is it good?**


End file.
